Palin-tology

Spiderfox has been stewing over the Sarah Palin affair the entire week. But rules are rules and I couldn’t say or do anything about it until, much to my great relief, some guy in a coffee shop watching CNN said loud enough for me to hear, “Help. I don’t get it. I just don’t get it.” Technically, he wasn’t asking me for help, or even speaking to me for that matter, or even asking for help in any real sense, but my superpowers were activated nonetheless, and I started a rant that ended kind of badly when the coffee shop owner discretely asked me to leave and I stopped with a dangling modifier and slinked out, foxlike, leaving wet fur sprayed across his table tops.

I hate to waste a good rant so here’s a summary:

Shirtless

Last month I got a call from a young art curator in a fix. She said, “I have a good job. It’s one of the best galleries in L.A. I don’t know what my problem is except that I can’t take it any more, the kind of art we’re showing–glossy, popart, Koonslike stuff. It feels so empty. I want to do something better.” I didn’t really know what she was talking about. But she went on to tell me that she had approached the gallery owner’s with an idea for a transformative art exhibit to introduce some newer, lesser-known artists who were making social critiques with their art and had something worthwhile to say. But the bosses had said no; they were sticking with the popular shiny stuff that sold.

Curator said, “Help me, Spiderfox. The world is falling apart and I’m just sitting here nudging it along.”

Green Fatigue

Hey, Spidey! I need your help. Seriously, I’m getting really sick of all the eco this and eco that messages. What a drag! Why can’t these greenies have more fun? How do I get them off my back, doing the minimum, without turning into some kind of sad, green freak? —Rob, Santa Fe, New Mexico

The most important thing here is that no one ever should call me what it is that you called me. I won’t even repeat it. It’s offensive for reasons that should be obvious. Second, boo hoo hoo for you—are the facts of climate change getting you down? You want your Skidoo and your plastic wrapped case of Poland Spring from Costco too? Grow up, Rob. This isn’t preschool and the teacher didn’t just tell you to share the Thomas the Trains.

Having Gas

Help me, Spiderfox!

I can’t deal with our continually rising gas prices. I can’t afford driving to work where they pay me not enough to afford to drive to work. It’s killing me. Please help! –C. C., Pleasanton, CA

Dear C. C.,

If it is killing you, I think you need to move to a better place, quickly. I recommend Darfur, or perhaps you’d like to consider Myanmar. Once you’re there or in one of a host of other possible relocation sites I can share with you, you’ll find that the cost of gasoline is not your biggest problem anymore. What a relief from gas.

Hitting the Wall

Spiderfox was invited to AIPAC in D.C. to help find a path to peace in the Middle East. I was not there in any official capacity; the person who asked me was a fourteen-year-old girl, and her asking had something to do with a research paper she was writing but I was there nonetheless, and I got to see Obama and Clinton making their promises and political points. They both were very attractive and had on nice suits.

But I need to add that Spiderfox was initially not permitted to enter on account of the fox mask. Something about terrorists, but, really, how many terrorists do you know who wear fox masks? Anyway, I had to use my superfox stealth powers to sneak in, and when I did that’s when I ran into the group of women attending from Hoboken who asked me if we were going to be doing a number from Cats, because they loved Cats and one of them had seen it eight times. Do I look like a cat to you? See cat image and compare.