Green Fatigue

Hey, Spidey! I need your help. Seriously, I’m getting really sick of all the eco this and eco that messages. What a drag! Why can’t these greenies have more fun? How do I get them off my back, doing the minimum, without turning into some kind of sad, green freak? —Rob, Santa Fe, New Mexico

The most important thing here is that no one ever should call me what it is that you called me. I won’t even repeat it. It’s offensive for reasons that should be obvious. Second, boo hoo hoo for you—are the facts of climate change getting you down? You want your Skidoo and your plastic wrapped case of Poland Spring from Costco too? Grow up, Rob. This isn’t preschool and the teacher didn’t just tell you to share the Thomas the Trains.

While you take a minute to grow up, let me tell you about the rescue mission I went on last night. A woman—I’ll call her Clare—had contacted me about a problem she was having at work. She had been passed up for a promotion even though she was completely qualified. Instead, the company promoted a significantly less-qualified man who was a good golfer and good friends with the son of the boss. Clare approached her boss to complain and he told her that the fact she would complain about something like this was the reason she hadn’t gotten the job. “You’re not a team player,” he said. “I’m looking for someone on my team.”

So Calre went looking for a new job. She found a great one, and the whole deal was finalized except that the new company required that she provide some current salary and other information from the job she was leaving. So she approached her boss again and told him she was leaving and asked for the information. He didn’t say much but agreed and then provided false and defamatory information to the prospective employer, costing Clare the job.

So she found a lawyer, but the lawyer told her that she didn’t think Clare had enough evidence and, besides, she knew that Clare’s boss played golf with just about all the judges in the district, and so she probably didn’t stand a chance in court.

Then Clare called me.

I have this tactic that involves a stealth refacing of billboards with messages more relevant to my purposes. And I’ll do this (at night) along the expected driving route of my intended reader. So I created a string of billboards that the boss would be certain to see the next morning on his way to work. Each billboard subtely addressed the whole idea of teamwork, successively getting more and more personal to the boss, but in a creepy way.

Anyway, the details are unimportant, but let’s just say the boss got the message. And he will probably never again feel so uninhibited in his hiring and firing decisions. And my pal Capt. F&G found Clare an even better job through one of his gazillion contacts.

My point, Rob, is that the day of the Happy Go Lucky Man in Power who laughs away the problems affecting the rest of the world, who thinks that nothing should be taken too seriously except his own personal advancement and prostate size, is now in evening. And that’s where you come in. Being green isn’t like being a Trekkie. It’s not nerdfill. Caring about the environment is essentially being sane and practical and also caring about your own future. So quit whining and get to work like the rest of us.

You want it simple? Let me give it to you simple. This is what you have to do, in a nice, tidy list. Follow the list and then devote all the rest of your time to meaningless fun and shallow pursuits. But not even one second of X-Box for you until you get down with the list.

Here goes:

1. No water in plastic bottles unless the Red Cross gives them to you or you’re in Mexico.
2. No plastic bags from stores ever. Buy yourself some manly reusables.
3. Eat less meat. For real.
4. Recycle. It’s just like throwing things away except in a different box.
5. Put in fluorescent bulbs. They screw in the same way, into the exact same lamps. And, while you’re at it, turn most of them off.
6. Plug your big energy suckers (Nintendo, massage chair, giant flat screen) on power strips so you can easily flip them off with a switch when you’re not using them.
7. Drive less. Buy yourself a Harley. Get a mountain bike.
8. Don’t use toxic stuff. It’s really simple: In your grocery store, buy the alternative, eco-friendly version. There are alternatives now to just about every toxic thing you’ve ever used.

And don’t be a jerk. That’s what I said. I’m Spiderfox.

Image of Skidoo by Timo Newton-Syms, 2008, Creative Commons License; image of billboard by mediaboytodd, 2008, Creative Commons license

© 2008 Spiderfox